It could be argued that alcohol consumption predates civilization. At this point it’s not all that absurd to say that it’s just something as creatures we tend to do. Yeah yeah, “I don’t need to drink, not everyone drinks, yada yada,” Yet if it’s something the majority of the species has taken part in for over five millennia its safe to say it’s common practice so get over yourself.
Now, to be successful at drinking is not a concept as widespread. Most of us at one time or another, or quite often, still go about it like the first Neolithic man gorging on his new discovery to eventually end up walking into the walls of his cave.
I am sure that might be success to some but what I mean by success is to have a good time with out resulting in any unnecessary faux pas, overspending or physical harm.
Is that too general? Is it time for a bullet list?!?! Well O-K! Let’s go over some common events that might suggest that you were not a successful drinker “that” night.
- At 10, talking to a cutie. By 12 your social skills tank and you blow it.
- You end up sleeping with someone you rather had not.
- You do so and forget to use a rubber. #shotgun wedding
- Vomiting isn’t usually that much fun.
- Set yourself up to be robbed/raped and assorted fun things.
- Took out your credit card leading to an end of the month surprise.
- Fistfights, brawls and the following lawsuits, jail, probation.
- Unwarranted fights/drama with your significant other.
- Getting lost and paying way too much for a cab.
- Girls gone wild moments.
- DWI, car accidents and the like.
- Vicious hangover that incapacitates you for the following day.
I am sure all of you have your own individual stories that you just can’t make up and looking back they might have been a hoot yet those types of event aren’t supposed to be commonplace. If they are, then they are no longer “hoots” but more like “yuks”, “mnehs” or “tsks”.
Even the most experienced and mature drinker will have his moments, because as social animals we get caught up in the moment. We are imperfect and emotional and alcohol is a dangerous toy.
Sometimes you know you have reached your limit and you’re having a good time but everywhere you turn someone is throwing a Jagre bomb into your hands. Sometimes the camaraderie, pride, sorrow or joy is just too much and you make the choice to say “ahh, fuck it,” and toss each one down. It happens.
But those are rare times. You can’t force those moments. They grow organically and when one tries to force the good times by drinking, that’s when people start calling them a drunk.
Yes, so on with it, how to drink. First you need to know what you want. No you don’t want to get “waaassted! Wooo!” Maybe if something tragic happens, but no, not on the typical night out on the town. You want to be loose and have a good time period.
There gets to a point where alcohol can only get you so far to that goal. If you reach that point and you’re still bored then you have to look at where you are and the company you keep. You can’t continue to lean on Jack, Jim or Jose (could be people, could be booze) to entertain you, only then to blame them for the shitty time you had because you got too drunk.
This point that I speak of comes right before the sweet spot, the place you want to be. The place where you always find yourself saying, “Holy shit, I am having so much fucking fun right now.” That my friends, is your sweet spot. I like to refer to it as ones “Happy Place”. It also happened to be the moment were things usually go wrong. For often enough, right after one thinks, “Holy shit, I am having so much fucking fun right now.” They follow up with, “I need another drink.”
See, beer can be your friend but like lots of friends they can be self centered, arrogant, greedy even. It’s telling you that it is the soul reason for your good time, not your other friends, the environment or your winning personality. So this is when you have to say to alcohol, “No alcohol, stop smothering me…just chill out…dude.”
Why then you ask? At the high point when you should be buying shots and taking selfies? Because you already have that other drink in your tummy. It hasn’t hit yet. When you hit your happy place you should be able to glide that happy little wave for an hour or two easy without another alcoholic beverage. In fact one should immediately down a glass of water for we all know, or should know, that dehydration is the enemy!!
When you do proceed drinking alcohol go one for one with glasses of water. You will still be drunk enough to have a great time and as a bonus you will actually remember all of it!! It’s a whole new world!
This way you can remain charming and get that lucky persons number. You can find your way home and avoid all those nasty things we mentioned above.
What are you eating? Always eat before you start drinking. This idea that you won’t eat to get drunk faster to save money is comical. It usually doesn’t work that way. You either spend twice as much gorging or whatever you can get your hands on (so much for the diet) or end out passing out by 9pm.
Eating just protein, high sodium foods, lots of sugar or spicy food are not recommended. All will increase the chances of your stomach turning. Carb up and bring on the cheese. Breads and pastas will absorb some booze like a time delay and the cheese or some greasy protein will also create a little barrier. But just remember, the food only delays absorption into the bloodstream. It will all eventually hit you, just a little more gradually.
What are you drinking? That whole beer before liquor thing?…true. I have heard some say it doesn’t make a difference, bullshit. People tend to drink faster as they get drunk, and the decision making as we all know begins to falter. It is just common sense that drinking the smaller, more powerful concoction after you are already drunk is going to launch you overboard.
But let’s get real. It takes us being at least a little drunk in the first place before we start doing shots so one must be prepared beyond following a near useless rhyme.
Mixed drinks. Many establishments today don’t use fruit juices anymore. Fruit juices do have sugar but nothing like the mixers which are nearly all corn syrup. So when you are ordering something perceived to be super fruity like a hurricane or rum runner, watch what they are putting in for it won’t take much of that crap to turn ones stomach.
Mixed stomach. A little of this and a little of that will lead to a really big hangover. Take it easy on mixing various types of booze especially when you are taking in extra sugar in your drinks that includes cola and other sodas.
Beware of wine! It’s great for a nice warm buzz but to get blasted off of wine is to be a glutton for punishment. That’s why it makes you sleepy. It’s wines way of saying,”lay your silly head to rest before I DESTROY YOU.” It will lead to a brutal next morning and as far as vomiting is concerned from what I know and hear it’s the most painful.
“Drinking (insert liquor) makes me (insert undesirable effect).” Then don’t drink that. If it turns you into a bitch or you black out, don’t drink it. For instance, I am one of large population of people who become a bit excitable when drinking tequila. So perhaps at the beginning of a night where I am tired or in an anti-social mood I will start of with tequila to get me grooving. And that’s it. It opens the night and is never seen again.
Know thy self. Know what type of alcohol does what to you. Be aware of your limitations and value them. Limitations save you money! Don’t be afraid to say no. In the long run you will always end up looking better than the idiot calling you a pussy.
To recap: PHECH or
People have every chance hopefully (to have a good time)
Pace, Hydrate, Eat, Happy Space, Contents of stomach
Hangover tip: Pedialyte. Keep a bottle in the fridge at all times. Slug before bedtime and when you wake up. They also have a powdered form that would be brilliant of you to have in your pocket when going out for a big night. Can’t get Pedialyte? Banana Shake. The reason Pedialyte can’t be made at home is mainly because of the potassium content which is what your party ravaged body is then looking for. Personally I like to make a shake with sweet potato, banana, blueberries, coconut milk, aloe, and yogurt on the regular, but I have noticed it to be really replenishing on your system when hungover as well.
Feel free to act as if you don’t need such advice. That this is all obvious information or pretend you already practice such responsibility on the regular and I just wasted your time. Then next time you are making out with the toilet seat in basement bathroom of some dive, think of me.