Challenge: One Night Stand Etiquette

Challenge! 

One Night Stand Etiquette

Before I go on to answer this challenge, I must make clear that being the virtuous fellow I am the following may entirely be based from presumption.   So let ya be learned yeah?

Let’s begin with the just dont’s.

If you have an infectious rash or flesh-eating disease.  (Nor if you carry any transmittable STD’s  or think you may have symptoms.  If you have to be told that you are indeed a grade A asshole….huge asshole, like I’m trying to clean up my language but still must emphasize, scumbag asshole.)

If you have a violent, significant other or stalker that follows you around.  Do not use someone to get someone else jealous or set them up to be attacked.  That’s what crazy trashy people do.   To be judgemental, yes.

If you are smarting from some other rocky or ended relationship and there is a greater than 25% that  you’re gonna start crying at some point, do not pass go and do not collect da booty.

Ok, so now we have a set of basically harmless, emotionally sound people.  I think a cliché’ “Do & Don’t” list is called for.

Don’t

• Refuse to wear a condom or ask someone not to use one.
• Don’t wait till the last possible minute to tell someone you’re on your period.  That info should be mentioned before heading anywhere and not saying anything and destroying a mans sheets, well  that’s just dirty on so many levels.
• Hickys, bite marks and scratches are very inconsiderate.   You may not know where he or she works or whom they are seeing.   You also beg to be gossiped about.   You want some dudes friends all calling you “Wolverine” or have to go to work in a turtleneck?
• Do not take anything with you.  Even if they loan you cloths while in their home.  If it is a necessity to take them, ask if there is a way you can return the clothing.
• Don’t disappear while they are asleep.   Even writing a note is pretty weak. Unless it’s a flattering, super sexy note.   For the most part be an adult and face the admirable farewell.
• Don’t linger.  Rise with the house.  Follow their lead and when they start getting dressed that’s your cue.  If they offer breakfast accept if you wish then shortly after make for the road.   You should know by then if you’re gonna end up staying the afternoon or not.
• Don’t bother if you are in risk of having whiskey or coke %&$#.   They didn’t take you where ever for your lame ass excuses and apologies.
• If a girl changes her mind, that’s her prerogative.  She is a bit of  a jerk and total cock tease but the dudes a bigger jerk if he flips out.  A man should keep their cool, never look desperate and make them second guess and regret their decision.   Yet ladies, you really should have you’re mind made up with how far you’re willing to go before you venture off.
• Don’t be one way.  To take and not at least try to give…they probably should bad mouth you.
• No porn star crap unless it’s asked for.  You know what I mean.

Do‘s

• One should have some basic stuff in the home for any guest not just the really unexpected ones.   Contact lenses case and solution, toothbrushes, some various sized comfortable clothing.   Condoms.  Having to run around for rubbers in the wee hours of the morning is a total tacky buzz kill.  Be a big boy or girl and be prepared.  They have pretty long shelf lives.   A bottle of red, a bottle of white, and a few brewskis are usually a good thing to have around as well.
• Always offer water. It’s polite and you’ll hopefully need lots of it.
• Offer a shower and a clean towel, before or after but at some point.
• Offer breakfast.  Unless you just HAVE to get away and get them out.  But you know a few eggs ain’t exactly a wedding proposal.  Besides it gives you a few more minutes to try to figure out their names.
• Make it clear one way or another that nothing may result from the drunken collision BEFORE it happens.
• Make sure you have at least a clue of who they are and not end up nailing the boss’s,  your friends, or some pimps property.

There you have it. If I lacked  moral fiber and partook in such animalistic behavior I’d like to think that that’s a solid guideline.