What Can Ladies Learn From Lady Boys?

Warning: lots of heavy exaggeration, gross generalization and a pinch of sexism.  What are you gonna do about it?  Cry? Huh? You’re gonna cry?

Lady Boys; just one of the more entertaining hazards for the gringo tourist as he meanders his way around south East Asia.  They are tiny transvestites with the look that “Tonya” from your local hair salon would die for. From a distance you can be left guessing and as one gets drunker that distance gets closer and closer.  As they prey on horny drunk men and you think it’s a sad, hopeless, and disturbing cause but by 5 am a surprising percentage are successful?  Then again, if they never succeeded why would they be there.  A man doesn’t fish at an empty lake…or is it the fish don’t man?

How do they do it?  There is no make up in the world that is going to hide that apple or that jaw line.  There has to be something else in addition the creatures camouflage.  Something that beckons the victim to ignore the signs and believe what he wants to believe.

How can actual women learn from them?  You may kid yourself with your judgments upon both parties but these trannies seem to put on a clinic, (and perhaps send some to one) while you are left to your own devices. (Insert vibrator joke here)  Yeah you don’t want a guy half in the bag, so you say, and you aren’t down with one night stands so you say. But get real, you can get a guys attention, charm him and start something no? At least get free drinks? What’s the harm in that? More importantly why do you even leave the house if your so above the scene? You have an advantage, you’re an actual woman.

Yet, major walls get in the way, 1. You insist because you’re a woman you must be the one approached because you are the object of desire and all men are filthy plebeians. 2. You’re too busy judging people. You’re just so smart that you have every guy pegged and you don’t have to waste your time…until you get smashed and get bent by the same greasy freak you chased off earlier when you were sober. 3. You send mix messages and men wander around you like hamster spun in his ball trying to make sense of it all.

After some observation of these creatures in their natural environment, they have more game.  As long as the camouflage holds they are a pride of lions while the actual women stand around squawking like flamingos.

Honesty, the best fashion people are gay dudes from what you seen in the media.  The top chefs are men, the hair stylist are more gay dudes and now you have these various little men just embarrassing the modern women.  I am a firm believer in equality, but I am staring to see a conspiracy.  In the war of the sexes I am starting to think homosexuals are just fanatics out to prove men can do anything you can do better.  Just saying, even house work, who’s in charge, the head maid? Nope, got to be Jeeves to make sure shit is done right.

So now that I have needlessly pissed some of ya off, Lets now examine what you can learn from these sexist bastards.

Lesson one: Work it girl.  Jeans and t shirts were pretty hot in college, but when you think back, the only guys you were getting were the ones pretending to be your friend.

What of the rest of you that dress up, feel that you can be stuck up with your push up and act all bent when guys try to pick up? That’s where you fucked up.  The “I should be able to dress anyway I want with out guys hitting on me,”  line is tired, and wrong.

Its logic, it’s natural instinct, you get dressy to attract men and to look hotter than that bitch you went to HS with who just moved back to town for the purpose of keeping men from her.

All too often the whole act comes with the opposite attitude.  A man never knows what they are going to get and you will find them talking to the girls in the t shirts, as long as her jeans are tight enough and her hair is kept.  Sometimes the less confident men will bide their time and hit on the work staff than risk getting chewed out by the hottie in the thigh high.  Because of this phenomena if you are the hottie and you’re approachable or god forbid approach a guy, there is a small chance you may be mistaken for a hooker. Or every shmuck in the place smells blood and thinks you’re their own hottie from heaven that is actually going to deal with their shit.  Of course, a girl with class knows how to handle it.

If you decide to go in as a hottie, smile, be nice, don’t frown and get nasty with men and you will be the star. Learn to be funny and classy with the rejections.  Respect and be respected.  It is what separates a girl from a woman.  Two women can have the same measurements, be the same age, wear the same dress and only one is a woman.  You didn’t think that shit went both ways did ya?

Now the other side. If you don’t have all that much self confidence or you are in rational acceptance of whatever flaws you may have, doesn’t mean you should give up.  Its either one of two things.  A girl just goes in drab, hair, everything shit and you can swear to god if they put in half the effort that the hooch attached to the juice bad did,  she’d be reasonably hot.  Yet she will play sidekick to her friend who plays the role of pretty one and approves of her friends drab because she needs it for her to look prettier.  Then you have the 160 pound girl in the belly shirt. Gold everywhere, all sorts of hair colors and make up that would make even a lady boy scowl.

So after dressing the part you want to play you now need to learn some balance. The lady boys over do the mannerisms typically associated with femininity to help the disguise.  They walk and talk, like a woman.

They flick their hair more often than Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell.  Their posture, even how their faces are relaxed, they don’t emit tension.  Granted their prey get quite tense, like sheep noticing the one lamb with fangs. Half of the time just waiting for a good excuse to belt them one but hesitant because they know they will still fell like they beat up a woman.

Anyway, they have open expressions.  An open facial expression is more inviting. It’s relaxed almost as good as a smile.  They master it because they have to. Because they are unwanted until enough alcohol is consumed.

They never allow the look of suspicion, worry, bitterness or what I like to call bitch face to permanently hold court on their face. Well, they do after you identify them, point and laugh, but I don’t recommend that.  Remember, guys dressed as dudes, you may just be seeing the tip of the crazy iceberg.  Don’t sail near icebergs.

Annnnyway, that flat expression, that’s the po po po poker face bitches.  It goes the same for body language.  Stop pulling your friends around, unfold your freaking arms and stop slouching.

How these dudes keep dudes eyes from the throat? Eye contact.  They will look you in the eyes.  Women complain often enough how men don’t look them in the eyes that they are always looking elsewhere.  I ask, do you demand it?  Are you looking at their eyes? Or are you looking at your cell phone, mirror, his shoes, your shoes or some other broad’s shoes?  Side note; if ones derrière is lacking, I’d go easy on the pumps. Just saying.

It’s like mothers have been saying for generations, sit up straight, bat your eyelashes be pleasant and if you think that’s sexist you’re a moron.  It’s more science than sexism especially compared with the gambit men must deal with of even guessing a basic norm and guideline of behavior which make one approachable to women.  Hell, you damn well know that decision had been made up that dynamic mystery of a mind and I am afraid there isn’t much we can do about it.

Now, remember, you need to have class to be treated with class  and by class I mean as defined as: Informal. elegance, grace, or dignity, as in dress and behavior, not behaving like some self important wana-be socialite.