Turn Offs: YOU.

To continue to be a walking hypocrisy I occasionally must find something else out of character and possibly painful to do to keep life interesting, and so a few years back I considered joining a on-line dating service.  There’s a free trial and you can really say anything until you investigate at least a little.  Hell, It’s not like I couldn’t use it.   I know, shocking but true.

I usually don’t date cause I don’t want to waste my time or money finding out some dame isn’t worth it.    Most of my usual encounters seem like acts of destiny or results of blurry inebriation.   So it may be good for me, or a complete waste of my time we shall see.  It did get more interesting when I realized instead of blowing 8-10 dollars a drink to scope out the same type of chick, I can do it over some Nati-light and not even have to talk.  Score!

I have been scouting out this one particular site dig, and you can do some stuff for free such as put up your own profile and send out some feelers.  My picture sucks and I’m pretty unapologetic about myself.  But why sugar coat right? Yet, eventually it seems many of the people come off a little too “sweet”. You can also do searches which is always fun cause your on with the attitude that all these people would actually want to see you.  So you sit there in front of your computer like a juice-bag bouncer at some poser-ass club picking who and who doesn’t join the party.

Healthy for ones delusional ego, but for me the ego got busted.  All the lucky ladies I found somewhat interesting had something in common.  To tell you the truth at least a good 60% of the women on there in general have something in common.

TURN OFFS: LONG HAIR

Unfortunately, I only know how to say fuck off in one language.  Makes me really want to embrace other cultures.    I question the existence on the square box option of long hair under “turn offs.”  I suppose that’s to weed out all us uneducated, biker, drug addicts?  These girls are a bunch of anti-Christians I tell you.

Don’t want to see a man who has a better chance making a shampoo commercial than they do with their dried out, split end, scraggly ass shit on their head.  Ya know, just saying.

But what is with that anyway?  Such slaves to trend women are.   When long hair comes back in poser fashion all the girls are gonna say how greasy and gross this metro sexual gel your bed head shit is.   But for now, hydrolyzed wheat starch amongst other unpronounceable chemicals mixed with sweat is sexy to have all over your pillowcase.   I take my lesson from Sampson, say it with me SAAAMSON and not cutting shit for you bitches. Nothing, no one.  My hair is for the little people who need it not to fit some judgmental twits vision of a boyfriend.

How come their wasn’t any turn off options like: bleach blonde, gold diggers, super high pitched voices, smelly clam, fake tits, fake nails, cheap perfume, clown faces or shoe fetishes?

No, no because we don’t want to dare take a real good shot at the females choices in style. But all in all, it’s pretty funny.  I might have even tried to contact some just for the fact they don’t like long hair. I did attempt a few commentaries on my profile but the Nazis that run the site are very strict.  I kept watering down the snarkyness again and again till I was really just writing condescending notes to the profile scanners.

It’s kinda like shopping, but having the can of beans turn around and say “NO.  I don’t like your long hair.”   It’s hysterical, upon my head is the nations most popular turn off.  Which kind of sells me short, I have plenty of personality quirks to turn you off that are much more interesting.

So, do I really want to blow some cash on this bullshit?  Do I really want to see whose checking my profile?  Is there a chance I might get laid?   All interesting questions.  Should I attempt to find love on the internet-super-highway?  Naaaaah.