How come we never #&@*ed?

Everyone has looked back at the people in their lives and had questions.  “What ever happened to them?” “Did they ever make it out of town?”   “I wonder if they ever got hitched?”  “Did they ever drop that coke habit?”

After all those obvious questions admit it or not follows the most curious question of them all, “How come we never fucked?”  All those plutonic friends, flirts, near misses and unforseen crash and burn failures that leave a nostalgic “what would have been,” or “whew, that was close.”   Does that sound bad to think of such a thing? Then your full of it. Everyone thinks it and tries to pretend its twisted or wrong to save face when it basically is hilarious.

One could ponder it and sometimes the reasons can be sad or embarrassing but when reflecting, the answers can become obvious and often quite amusing.  Yet, no matter if the answers you come to are depressing or funny they are things only you can figure out for or admit to yourself.  So deluded personal relationships can be that it is a fool hearty mission to presume when one directly involved may still hopelessly ponder the reason behind the lack of loving.  In fact it takes some honest introspection and  some hindsight for someone to figure it out.  That does not mean we’re not gonna try.

Some people may ask this all the time, how come it ain’t happening period.  May be a bigger problem but some of these examples might still help.

Too blasted; You coulda, you shoulda, but you were too damn stoned, drunk or coked up.    There usually isn’t a repeat situation involving alcohol or hard drugs and that is a one time miss.  There were unique circumstances that led to the situation and it definitely left a poor impression that is all the more clear to the girl as they sober up themselves.

Sometimes with the pot heads though, the girl may make many attempts.  The cute stoner, you’ve seen them in movies. They might not even know your high, but you do. You’re Captain Oblivion and have no idea the girl is pining for you.  She eventually gets sick of hearing that she is a cool chick and sitting like a blob. She returns to earths orbit leaving you to your cluelessness. A girl can only take so much 70′s rock and burnt out babble before your no longer cute enough.

So, drugs yep.  Many girls can have their bias’.   If your one who does that crap, did that crap, know someone who does that crap and your done.  On the other hand, you do have the coke whores.  Girls into coke, well. Tend to be whores.  Addiction is what it is.   No they don’t love you for you.

You’re a coward; You know that brash asshole who kept getting the chicks, he did so because yeah, he may have been an ass, but he put himself out there while you my friend did not.  That is to simple of a condemnation no?  So why were you a coward?

She made you stumble over your words, didn’t think you had a chance yada yada yada; well then yeah you chickened out.  There’s a dual responsibility ladies, if the guy is shy, that might be one of the things you like about him. Xena the hell up, you don’t know what you may find in that shell.  You see the poor bastard sweating you, stop being an arrogant twit and you start the interaction.  In this modern world of equals is it all that hard to fill in where another is weak and throw a guy a bone.  There is also the chance where your just not quite up to snuff for him to approach and you need to impress him with some courage and independance.

You did not want to risk the friendship; ah, there is the biggie.  Some real good friendships can be screwed up by a night in bed, but then that’s how some good relationships start no?  It is the males job or females job to cross the line?  Yeah yeah, your gonna say the mans, but if he is wrong he then become a “jerk” that betrayed the girls trust or now a poor guy whose really nice but who now must be kept at a distance.  Sucks no?

I suppose a girl could say the same.  She becomes the “chick who is trying to get with me.”   Can you blame them? “Christ, how can I tell them all my down low info when they could be manipulating me to favor them?”  There are ways around it, but that is not our topic.

So, too good of friends, too much of some chemical.

The quote; Ah yes, when your friends turn their head slightly to the right with a suspicious eye, shit eating grin and ask, “What did you say?” as you try to explain why nothing happened, they are looking for the quote.   You’re not thinking, you’re in party mode, in the comfort of your friends maybe, or plainly nervous.  Things can come out.  One can never know what nerves someone has close to the surface.

This is you at a party: “Hey, my buddy Jeff over there, Hey Jeff!, the guys such a retard. I love him, such a tard.”  Now what did you say wrong there?  You are just showing how loving in typical male fashion) you can be of your friends right?   Yeah, well she has a cousin with down syndrome so your fucked, actually you ain’t.

Think of it, think hard on the things you may have said in all these encounters and that’s when shit gets hilarious.  So yes, verbal miscues.   Don’t go political or religious.   Don’t be sexist, racist or a bigot of any kind.  Do not be forthcoming about your craziest moments or friends.   You have to be the most interesting boring person out there at times.

Appearance; Your friends with that asshole that’s why. Guilt by association.  You posse can be worse than checkered pants with a striped shirt.  Your boys a playa, you a playa, your ex girls got the clap, you got the clap.  Enough said.

Cloths of course, yeah, yeah, you don’t want any girl who is gonna judge you.  But who isn’t really. And are you’re saying you wouldn’t judge?  Ok perhaps you don’t, so above it all and with the power to see into peoples souls.  So  humble, sensitive and wise or perhaps you are just clueless or may suffer from a defeatist complex but that’s an other day.

Fact is, cloths sometimes, kinda makes the man, especially if you’re looking for it.   Please for the love of God don’t be another dooosh, you know the type and we are not even going there.  Even the guys wearing flannels and don’t shave do well.  It doesn’t take much, but it does take a little effort. About the same amount of effort that keeps you from eating poison or from sleeping in your own feces.  That’s how they will look at it.  Woman: “How freaking hard is it to look presentable? He just does not want to get laid.”

Failures to dress properly are obvious tells to ones character.  If you are hopelessly ill equipped for a situation garment wise it tells the woman a few things about you.  You care not about the audience, being the other guests or even the purpose of the event. Example, wearing a polo shirt and or jeans to a wedding.    Some things can paint you as a slob or  someone who can’t take care of themselves and is looking for a mommy.   Some one who is poor or someone who is mentally ill or clueless.  Just picture the things you do at a gathering dressed somewhat sharp.  Then imagine yourself doing the same things dressed like crap.

The unseen assassin; Women talk a lot of shit. Say it with me now, A LOT of SHIT.   If you impress or repulse a girl, you have done so for their absentee friends.   Your chances for fornication were foiled because of things you cannot possible know.   God forbid you end up with in the politics of women.

True story. This is a crazy and extreme but great example. I rushed for a coed fraternity made of of 95% women.  Genius right?  Stupid, stupid, so stupid.   No matter how charming you can possible be.  How fair, polite.  Make sure not to favor any faction, and women have factions.  If there is more than five heads, there are factions.   It does not matter. It is not about you.  You are a tool, a weapon.  I won all three rush competitions was nominated for rush presidente.   I showed up at the dance and danced with everyone.  I would dance with one girl and four to the left were burning holes in my back.  So i would dance with one of them only to have another set of girls preparing voo doo dolls in my like.  It continued on and on and I cannot recall how many I had danced with.  I felt kinda like Maria, yet besides the  Sharks and the Jets there were the Blood, Crips, Hells Angels and Pagans as well.  I should have known my days were numbered.

Three girls took it upon themselves to fabricate lies to bar my entry when it came time to vote rushes in.   Odd and disturbing lies at that.  It started a whole hoo ha in the group.  A minority greatly pissed off the majority by doing so, and my closer gal pals had been in the majority go figure.

In the end they ended up doing me a favor, but the absurd part  is two out the three girls on separate occasion approached me and asked me out.  I wonder if they knew why they didn’t get lai…..you know what I should have…then..nah, I ain’t the petty type.  But now I know why I didn’t I was pissed and unwilling to step into the open invitation because of it.  Dumbass.  The point is, I was a controversial, target to be used for other peurposes, once I was no longer a playing chip peoples outlooks change dramatically.  The timeing and circumstances for the woman make up the unseen assassine.

So, too high, too good of friends, associations, wardrobe, verbal miscues, female politics

One More; You’re potential.  This is a young girls game.  They flirt, they may even call, ask probing questions and make it clear they obviously don’t mind you around but they aren’t going so far as to make you think your wanted.  They don’t want a boyfriend or one like you quite yet.  You wouldn’t mind just the sex but they would.  They don’t want to see the naughty side, that’s far the random guy at the bar or that on again off again prick.  You, no you they plan, when the moment is right for them, you get to go through all the painful shit to get the freaky shit, because you seem to fit the like of someone they can really care for.  Most have been on at least on side of this many on both side.

Once in a while a girl will end up telling it straight. Doesn’t make the guy fell any better.  “So let me get this straight, you rather take your chances with the  poster boy for hepatitis over there than with me because you think you may get hurt?”  She tries to make him understand and he says, “You’re crazy, goodbye, and just sex would have been just fine.”

Both sex’s do it, both don’t want to hurt or end up being hurt and I suppose the ethics of is in how well you communicate the situation or string the person along.

So, several reason why you and whomever did not get it on.  Now just if you could figure why you and so and so DID get it on.

This brings me to a fun game.  If you have no shame, have thick skin and have a host of people who have known you for a relatively long time this is what you can do.   Starting with old gal pals, or guy pals if you’re a girl, then with any friends then if your real ballsy old acquaintances.   At the right moment in a conversation, a positive peak, a place where this question could pop up or at an absurd place either way you will know. Timing is everything.  You have to be ready for anything.  At the right time say, and old friend says to you, “Remember that time at……where ….did……?”  You laugh, stop look her in the eye and ask, “How come we never fucked?”