The Don Juan Dilemma

It was an innnnteresting weekend. One night I found myself explaining to a 17 year old hitting on me, why I wasn’t going to be calling her. The next night my friends and I got a kick out of the fact that the waitress I had been flirting with, also ended up to be attending high school.

Over a few beers, I pondered what those 35+ and those under 20 see in me that the 20 something fail to. But, it’s ok, for even if that wasn’t so, I still suffer from a far more complicated, idealistic conundrum. I tend to have romantic expectations of romance.

My libido abides by a cannon as popular as Zoroastrianism. I am one of a minority, though a large one. I am one of those who suffer from The Don Juan Dilemma. Perhaps unrealistic, maybe, grandiose but those with DJD often feel that there is a great lack of maturity and honesty in this modern dating scene. We feel left out, in a limbo between the highly conservative and the promiscuous.

There are all sorts views on the topic but when it comes down to it your basically left with two choices. One being you go out frequently with your friends and most of the time stare at the other sex from across gym class. Occasionally people make contact that doesn’t involve coyness, snobbery or the knocking down of small trees. And they will date, somewhat monogamously, until it no longer suits their fancy and move on to another and another. It sounds simple enough. Many people choose this for it’s simplicity, and social respectability but it is truly unnecessarily complicated.

There are unwritten rules, declared rules, broken rules, stretched rules. Rules only one person knows about. Rules made up on a whim. Feelings, strong feelings, over sensitive feelings. Expectations. For everything. Limitations. And for every single slight conflict there is at the very least a federal courts annual worth of litigation going on subconsciously with in their lovey-dovey heads.

Choice two. Like animals many live out their lives normally until the hormones in their bodies take over and demand sustenance. So they go to the local watering holes to get drunk and get laid. Of course many do this, and that’s fine. But don’t blame the alcohol. You are an animal and you behave like one. So don’t act like you are any better than anyone else (which many of these people like to do) because you consciously put yourself in the situation to get your balls off. The alcohol just makes up for the fact that you are incapable of making a connection with someone that quickly. Shit, few are.

See, for people who suffer from the Don Juan Dilemma, these options just are flatly, unacceptable. First off, in a Don Juan world people take care of themselves, and would be knowledgeable of any afflictions they have and would be upfront and honest with those they attempt to screw. Did I mention that many of you animals are filthy animals, not in the sense that you may be inflicted, but would be enough of a piece of shit to endanger someone else to illness. In a Don Juan world, a drunken, panting clusterfuck one-night stands do not exist.

A Don Juan would never have sex with a person if they knew that person wouldn’t care if a car hit them the next day. Sounds ridiculous? DARE! Think right now about any and all the one-night stands you have ever had and tell the mirror that you would be sincerely up set to hear that the poor bastard had died of the Boogaloo flu. And no, long time friends don’t count.

Yeah, animal. For the men and women suffering from DJD, there is no “wham, bam, thank-you mam.” There is conversation, flirting, and activity or two. A few ours discovering each other’s bodies before tripping the lights fantastic. There is a confident connection made, a night of good sex, and most likely a morning of good sex, followed by a western omelet. No one night stands. Only lay down weekends. Then a short goodbye. For a week or so, maybe a month. Maybe for forever. Does it matter? DJD’s know that dozens of short and wonderful relationships are healthier and more satisfying than what the animals or clingons go through.

One could brandish us a sinners, but several romances, even a few simultaneously, are no worse than using a perfect stranger to blow your load on or in. Or building relationships that truly never should never have been, and end up doing an array of deceitful things towards its demise.

Why it doesn’t work? Too many people don’t know how to communicate, relax, and enjoy the moment. Too many are greedy, untrusting or untrustworthy. I’m sure many women would say that they all would love that type of thing. That’s why they read all those romance novels. Nein! Niet! False! In reality, that Fabio type character, after giving the woman the high hard one, and striking her out, will find himself with these giant ass talons attempting to dig into his flesh. We’re not talking cute kitty cat claws or the scratches of passion. We’re talking razor like velociraptor scythes. Many times when women find something good, they won’t let it go. Now the poor Don, is a player. Why? Because the bitches get greedy, get possessive and if given to shove off, resentful.

Men? Well, most men do not have the tact, grace, sensitivity or self-control, to manage like a Don. There care little about making a personal connection, or anything else but getting their knob lobbed, dick wet, balls off, carrot snapped, dolphin dipped, monkey wrangled, poll polished, yang wanked, or pickle tickled. Sad but true, can’t blame the woman so much for trying to keep a good thing, as much as you can condemn a man for manipulating a woman. Or, in other words it’s just as hard to find a man who will treat you the way you want than it is to find a woman who won’t turn around and treat that man like shit.

Though after all, even though those with the Don Juan Dilemma usually find things unfulfilling, at least we don’t have to deal with all that other shit. What was that? “I am no Don?” Think what you want, but go ahead to your local Jr. High or retirement home and ask around. Yeah, that’s right. Taking Callers, Only Juanita’s need apply.