Last of the Mohicans

By the end of the year there will be five more children and two more hitchings amongst my buddies. I could allow all that to put a lot of pressure on myself. Not the type of pressure that says I have to get serious, find a nice girl and procreate, but the type of pressure that realizes that I have a lot of friends that are, or will be living a life precariously through me.

I might have to begin to lie to my friends and make up stories about spunky stewardess’s and the playboy bunny that got away. Yet, I would always have to be there for them when their relationship is in doubt. I would have to apathetically confess to them how truly lonely I am, and how they, they are truly the lucky ones. Then I go home not exactly as lonely as I said and be contented that the married life that I live precariously through my pal is still in tact. Besides, I don’t know how good it is having a fresh divorcee as a wing man.

Many a time, I part with my friends with “Don’t forget to bag it.” I guess they just think it’s a nifty way of saying goodbye. Some of these folks think their getting away with something if their girl forgets to make them wear a rubber and think nothing of it. Women forget nothing. I will say it again. WOMEN FORGET NOTHING. Nothing do they forget. You think the same woman who remembers when you rolled your eyes at her three Christmas Eves ago, when she asked you to go out and get some ice for the cooler, for your beer, because there was no room in the fridge because you couldn’t decide between turkey and ham, is going to forget her birth control or to have you throw on a rubber? Stop sniffing glue dude, it means she doesn’t care anymore. She doesn’t care if she gets preggers. This says a whole lot and well, we’re clueless as usual. Why can’t y’all just save the raw shit for the honeymoon?

With that being said, every group has a Mohican, or at least knows a few. The “single friend”. The too much of a confidant and distraction to many a girls husband. It’s instinctive, for a gal to want her hubbies stray friends to find ownership. He’s got to get a girl, not for his sake, but for the sake of my command over my man.

The conversations between neighbors, the mothers of ones friends, Aunt Joan, and Auntie Beatrice all are talking. “What’s Bob doing? Does he have a girlfriend?” There comes a time where you become something that needs fixing and every woman you have known since you were five wants to pimp you out. Ah, what is wrong with my Injin friends and I? Besides knowing how to wear a rubber and being patient.

Let me tell you something. The modern bachelor isn’t the caveman he is perceived. Against popular belief, we can in fact dress ourselves, cook, clean, even decorate. We are a breed of Indian whom is domesticated in such away, that the line between girl jobs and boy jobs no longer exists. Viva la sexual revolution! We are no longer a culture where we say, “Poor Mr. Jones needs a Mrs. Jones to take care of him.” Guys no longer go from their mothers care to their wives. We spend many more years out on our own since the average marring age has gone up. Also many more people go away to college.

The modern American male is much more practiced at this domestic stuff. In some cases, much more than some women. I have even cleaned an oven. When was the last time you cleaned a blasted oven?

These stupid shows on television with these “strong female characters” and the self deluded people who emulate them. “I don’t need a man, I’m a strong independent woman.” Well who in hell said we needed you? I admit you have an edge, with vibrator technology getting better every day, but come on, a little self centered are we? It’s like saying, “I don’t need your cake, I can bake a cake.” But that fucking cake is still right there and you know you want to eat it, so shuddup. And in reality you cannot replace that type of human companionship. Its either you have cake, or you don’t. If you dont want cake fine, no need for the attitude.

Sex is an over blown factor. Yes, I said it at the risk of my macho-ness, friends trust me, this injins got nothing to prove. Throughout history, One would guess we’re at least above average in sexual activity considering the size in population, our accessibility to one another and the capability to find privacy. Of course  religious scholars will try to make us believe that people only had sex to reproduce and that human culture was much more conservative.

People will always be people. Yet, I think we seem a little more animalistic about it know a days, as if it’s an uncontrollable force of nature and we need it everyday.  Are you a monkey or are you a human? Actually that’s a bad example, for a lot of species have to wait until certain times of there year to mate, so  the littel fuzzy thingd going sexually ape shit is understandable.

Let us not forget those religious types that practice celibacy all their lives and there are the terminally ill or ugly who don’t get much either. So therefore sex is no excuse for marriage, if fact could lots of time it’s an endorphin driven emotional assault on oneself or others bordering on violence.

So gender roles in the domestic atmosphere are obsolete, sex is not a necessity, and the national population and divorce rate is high enough to lean towards not breeding. Perhaps your single friend is not behind, but yet is a forerunner in the changing of society.

The world might just be too small for the nuclear family now days and besides, isn’t love supposed to be a miraculous thing? Do miracles happen everyday? I don’t think so, at least, I don’t think most of them result in marriage.

What I am taking so long to say is, no one NEEDS anybody. Don’t judge yourself or your single friends. Some are pickier, some are less lucky and some just rather be alone. While you pity your single/married friend, they might just be pitying you as well.